Interesting as I continue reading my very short book Everyday Simplicity the questions it poses for me to reflect & ponder...."what gets us upset? What cheers us? What causes great anger or disappointment? What stresses us out? What drives us or makes us anxious? In other words, what is blackmailing us into believing something must result or someone must respond in a certain way before we can be at peace, joyful?"
Getting upset, being angry/disappointed or stressed...anxious? I can't recall anything that kept me at such a state that I would use it as an excuse to be blackmailed into not feeling peace or eventual joy. Mostly because with prayer, immediately, calls for calmness in the spirit that I can put those feelings aside and believe that something good will come from the situation. But, there have been times that anxiousness has taken on a personality of which I'm not proud. Anger has claimed my mouth into saying words that aren't normally part of my vocabulary. Disappointment has turned into hurt which later was resolved. Stress was brought on by too much to do at once and not prioritizing plus too much caffeine. But claim these idols and allowing them to blackmail my life......NO! I do not possess them or I pray they will not possess me.
"Simplicity transforms us from worried, preoccupied, demanding individuals into grateful 'receiving' people. And, indeed, this is a wonderful grace to embrace." I am grateful for what I have and have had.....gifts from God.
6.04.2015
5.29.2015
Where do I begin?
Seems like an odd question realizing that at the higher end of whispering 60 I would have begun many years ago. But this has to do with the spiritual attitude I am still developing as I age. There have been many ups and downs in my faith based spiritual attitude, as with my attitude to anything in life: work, family, living, health, doctors, church, faith, career, and so on......
But, in reading Everyday Simplicity by Robert J. Wicks, a practical guide to spiritual growth, I've found that my spiritual life can only develop and deepen when I look at everything--including sufferings and confusion--in a way that "deepens me and makes life more meaningful" ; I have to find and nurture a refreshing and restarting place within to be "intimate with God"; and I need to learn to "share" myself with others in a "compassionate way that mysteriously feeds and enlivens me rather than depleting me or making me feel overburdened and resentful."
There are probably no REAL directions to one's spiritual journey....it is my own! And I have to travel it alone...exploring different paths....but ultimately discovering intimacy with God such as no other.
Faithfulness
--being aware of the subtle workings of God in my life hasn't always been easy. In retrospect there has been an abundance of workings throughout my life. Matt 28:20b--"I am with you always..." And whether in darkness or in gratitude I find myself turning to prayer---talking to God. Openness to prayer, openness to converse with God has long been there because I can't remember when I haven't just talked to God. Sometimes my conversation is not very prayerful....sometimes there's anger, hurt, confusion, and so on....but I figured He knows my heart, there's nothing I can hide from Him....so prayerful, or not, He gets my prayer! And I know He listens not necessarily because my prayers are answered the way I expect but because prayers ARE answered! I also pray in overwhelming gratitude for the grace and mercy He has bestowed upon me. This more so.
I do have to admit there have been some desert times...sometimes when I feel dry...not wanting to take time to pray...not wanting to deal with my insecurities, confusion, dissolution, unhappiness and fear...thinking God doesn't want to deal with them either! Luke 18:1 "pray always and not lose heart" What I don't see is the special joys and new perspective I need to take to witness the blessings in what I "am dealing" with.
Courage comes and goes. Hold on for the next supply.--Thomas Merton. I need to not lose heart but to persevere in my prayer life to achieve and fall into a deeper relationship with God.
Openness
--my friend, Terri, was a lonely person. Not so much that she was ever alone or that she didn't have friends, but she placed herself in the lonely situation when she wouldn't allow herself to face life without her children always by her side. She anguished before their visits, she was distressed while they were there and she grieved when they left. She entered into frenzied activities---work and exercise. She neglected the one person who could have helped her get over her loneliness--by withdrawing and entering into depression. Deep loneliness and distancing from reality are forceful reminders of how vulnerable and valuable life is. She died, I cried, I sorrow, I am resentful that she is lost to those who love her.
So the question: why do I still bring her up? Perhaps I have been traumatized by this loss---could this loss spiral me into a depression, an alienation, a distancing from those who would hold me up in prayer, who would companion me into the beauty of "old age", who love me for who I am?
I think often of Terri and wish I could share some thoughts with her concerning this loss of openness to the possibility of hope beyond all expectations. I wish I could share with her what I've read "When we feel our heart is breaking or the energy for life is slowly draining from us, if we can see beyond the feelings of loss or alienation, if we can be open to hope, we may experience a softening of our soul, a change of heart, a paradigm shift. And, in that moment, we have an opportunity to experience God and our lives in a new, deeper way. We may appreciate each day more humbly and take less for granted."
Will the pain ever go away? Will the pain of this loss be without meaning? I don't know. But what I need to do is pray that God will allow me to be aware and alert to the blessing that this loss brings. I miss my friend. I will count as gift every time we shared. I will count the beautiful children and grandchildren, who miss her, as blessings. And I will count the friendship we had as a beautiful representation of God's hand in my life.
But more importantly I will enter into this phase of life alert and present, try to avoid having the expectations of what should happen, and instead open to surprises by all of what life brings. Paying attention to "the now".
Even the predictable turns into surprise the moment we stop taking it for granted.--David Stendl-Rast
But, in reading Everyday Simplicity by Robert J. Wicks, a practical guide to spiritual growth, I've found that my spiritual life can only develop and deepen when I look at everything--including sufferings and confusion--in a way that "deepens me and makes life more meaningful" ; I have to find and nurture a refreshing and restarting place within to be "intimate with God"; and I need to learn to "share" myself with others in a "compassionate way that mysteriously feeds and enlivens me rather than depleting me or making me feel overburdened and resentful."
There are probably no REAL directions to one's spiritual journey....it is my own! And I have to travel it alone...exploring different paths....but ultimately discovering intimacy with God such as no other.
Faithfulness
--being aware of the subtle workings of God in my life hasn't always been easy. In retrospect there has been an abundance of workings throughout my life. Matt 28:20b--"I am with you always..." And whether in darkness or in gratitude I find myself turning to prayer---talking to God. Openness to prayer, openness to converse with God has long been there because I can't remember when I haven't just talked to God. Sometimes my conversation is not very prayerful....sometimes there's anger, hurt, confusion, and so on....but I figured He knows my heart, there's nothing I can hide from Him....so prayerful, or not, He gets my prayer! And I know He listens not necessarily because my prayers are answered the way I expect but because prayers ARE answered! I also pray in overwhelming gratitude for the grace and mercy He has bestowed upon me. This more so.
I do have to admit there have been some desert times...sometimes when I feel dry...not wanting to take time to pray...not wanting to deal with my insecurities, confusion, dissolution, unhappiness and fear...thinking God doesn't want to deal with them either! Luke 18:1 "pray always and not lose heart" What I don't see is the special joys and new perspective I need to take to witness the blessings in what I "am dealing" with.
Courage comes and goes. Hold on for the next supply.--Thomas Merton. I need to not lose heart but to persevere in my prayer life to achieve and fall into a deeper relationship with God.
Openness
--my friend, Terri, was a lonely person. Not so much that she was ever alone or that she didn't have friends, but she placed herself in the lonely situation when she wouldn't allow herself to face life without her children always by her side. She anguished before their visits, she was distressed while they were there and she grieved when they left. She entered into frenzied activities---work and exercise. She neglected the one person who could have helped her get over her loneliness--by withdrawing and entering into depression. Deep loneliness and distancing from reality are forceful reminders of how vulnerable and valuable life is. She died, I cried, I sorrow, I am resentful that she is lost to those who love her.
So the question: why do I still bring her up? Perhaps I have been traumatized by this loss---could this loss spiral me into a depression, an alienation, a distancing from those who would hold me up in prayer, who would companion me into the beauty of "old age", who love me for who I am?
I think often of Terri and wish I could share some thoughts with her concerning this loss of openness to the possibility of hope beyond all expectations. I wish I could share with her what I've read "When we feel our heart is breaking or the energy for life is slowly draining from us, if we can see beyond the feelings of loss or alienation, if we can be open to hope, we may experience a softening of our soul, a change of heart, a paradigm shift. And, in that moment, we have an opportunity to experience God and our lives in a new, deeper way. We may appreciate each day more humbly and take less for granted."
Will the pain ever go away? Will the pain of this loss be without meaning? I don't know. But what I need to do is pray that God will allow me to be aware and alert to the blessing that this loss brings. I miss my friend. I will count as gift every time we shared. I will count the beautiful children and grandchildren, who miss her, as blessings. And I will count the friendship we had as a beautiful representation of God's hand in my life.
But more importantly I will enter into this phase of life alert and present, try to avoid having the expectations of what should happen, and instead open to surprises by all of what life brings. Paying attention to "the now".
Even the predictable turns into surprise the moment we stop taking it for granted.--David Stendl-Rast
6.21.2014
2014 Summer begins
Even though today is the first official day of summer ours began earlier this month with an anniversary week at the condo. Fishing and enjoying each others company was on the list. We had a visit from John & Della Moore--shared some laughs, good wine and shrimp dinner!
The following weekend started on Saturday as we celebrated my sister, Mary's "retirement" and new venture with their Rose Garden. Esther came in to town as well. Sunday, we were off to meet the WoodPile at the ranch for a week of activity in bringing down the "Gas House" in order to build the outdoor kitchen that Tony's so badly wants.
We worked and played hard, drank gallons of water, a few beers and some gaterade. We also had plenty to eat---no one went hungry! We watched Spurs playoff games, cheered and yelled. Rita and her girls joined us on Wednesday and they pulled their weight in getting things done as well. 
and on top of that Sophia lost a tooth! Tooth fairy had to locate her at Tu y Yo!
Gina, Greg, Rebecca and Anthony left the ranch early Friday morning and the rest of us stayed back to finish the project by burning the rest of the wood and putting things back where they belonged
Rita and the girls left early Saturday morning, Tony, Jonathan, Daniel and I came back to SA later that day. We crashed and burned! We were VERY tired. Not even the World Cup or the pool kept anyone awake!
Sunday was a day to go to church, go to Los Barrios, come home to do laundry and get ready for our next adventure----fishing at the coast!
We left Monday afternoon --- arrived to a very windy coast with whitecaps on the bay. The boat did not come out of the garage until Tuesday---boys were happy, happy! Daniel caught the record for the week with the rest of us catching small perch, mullets and hardheads. We saw dolphins swimming right by our boat--this was exciting.
It was a good week---we went down to the beach twice. The water was warm and inviting. We walked on the jetties and watched turtles swim close by. The boys had a good time. We taught them to play Hearts as we watched old StarWars videos. All in all it was great.
We worked and played hard, drank gallons of water, a few beers and some gaterade. We also had plenty to eat---no one went hungry! We watched Spurs playoff games, cheered and yelled. Rita and her girls joined us on Wednesday and they pulled their weight in getting things done as well. 
and on top of that Sophia lost a tooth! Tooth fairy had to locate her at Tu y Yo!
Gina, Greg, Rebecca and Anthony left the ranch early Friday morning and the rest of us stayed back to finish the project by burning the rest of the wood and putting things back where they belonged
It was a good week---we went down to the beach twice. The water was warm and inviting. We walked on the jetties and watched turtles swim close by. The boys had a good time. We taught them to play Hearts as we watched old StarWars videos. All in all it was great.
5.23.2014
It's been a while---
It's been over a year---two MAJOR changes in my life---
1) I lost and found my mother and realized that even though I've found her, I've also lost her---This disease called Alzheimer's is something that I cannot control, doctors cannot cure, nurses are compassionate (if you find the right ones) and you shield your heart every time you visit. Today is my birthday and I received a beautiful wakeup call from my friend RoseMary. She sang "Las Mananitas" and it was recorded....I took that to see mom and played it for her. She broke out into a big smile and started to mouth the words to the song.....what a wonderful blessing twice over. Once from RoseMary and then from Mom. "The mind forgets but the heart remembers". Best birthday gift!!! 
2) I've lost my friend, Terri---feelings of guilt, loss, loneliness and fear all have been part of my grieving process! It's been a year and a half---the guilt of not calling her often enough, not counseling her to take care of herself, not visiting more have dissipated a bit. The loss will always be there. Loneliness---because we shared so much, will always be part of losing a dear, dear friend and not having someone who really "got you" to share stuff with---I was blessed to have her as a friend and I miss her terribly. Fear--- comes with age and your own mortality. Know your God and knowing that He said "do not be Afraid" is probably all I must remember and taking stock of who I am in His name. Plus being the best that I can be in all that I do. Fear? It creeps up every once in a while. I do miss her! Today is my birthday and she always took time to share a cup of coffee with me on this day! Thanks, Terri!
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Our summer begins this weekend---we are so looking forward to it! We will get to see all of the grandkids--not all together but spend quality time with each one of them and we are thrilled. Bring it on!!
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9.07.2012
Busy August! Busier September!
I can't believe that it's been a while since I posted...but it has been busy! The one thing that I most look forward to all year, every year is the decent of my children and grandchildren.....and when they come all at the same time, it's even more exciting.
Meghan called it the "love explosion" and that's exactly what it was. You couldn't walk into a room without a hug, a nudge, a wink, giggles, the sound of laughter, crying babies, whispers behind the sofa.
The tables were never clear....someone was always eating. It seemed we cleaned the kitchen and got ready for the next meal or for the "to go" meals. I loved it!!! Traveling anywhere was a theaterical performance. Everyone had a place and had to be in their place to start the engines! We celebrated a wedding, a birthday and an anniversary during their visit. I hope that the week was enjoyed by all. We certainly have taken it to heart and memory.
Please come again....We miss you terribly
8.03.2012
Stay alert, aware, anticipate, prepare but do not be afraid
My sister, Mary and I were able to get out of the house early this morning and visit with mom for a little while. When we arrived we found her in her wheelchair up against her bathroom sink looking at herself in the mirror and crying. I called to her and she didn't recognize me. "?Quien eres?" This was the first time I can recall that she did not recognize who I was. I reminded her it was me and she cried some more and apologized for not remembering.
We quickly tried to get her out of this mood and wheeled her out to the visiting area....nice TV rec room where other patients were "watching" the Olympics.
We talked for a while and teased, as she often does, until she got tired, snapped at us and told us that she didn't like what we were saying!! She decided she needed to take a nap. Basically she was dismissing us and got in a snippy mood...we wheeled her towards her room but the nurses told us she needed to stay by their desks and unless we were going to be in the room with her she was not to be left alone. Mom was done, so we took some pictures, entertained her for a few more minutes trying to get her out of her foul mood before she was taken into therapy. If we leave her while she is in a bad mood, she will brood about it all day and will remember only that. Not that we had a good talk or that we read to her or played with her or showed her pictures of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. (BTW--I show her pictures of the kids everyday and she tries to remember their names)
Today, she looked lovely all dressed in her nice pink sweater and wearing jeans. Mary & I came home and got to work filling out some papers to be sent to the Bexar County Dispute Resolutions Center. Tony suggested that we let it rest because we do have visitation rights at the moment. Our fear is that she will again be taken out of the Rehab Center and we will not be told about it and there we sit again not being able to see her. 
We also called a Family Law practitioner to seek legal advise on this. Our thinking is "do we seek partial guardianship?" Note from Sibling Rights of an Adult Guardianship• "If one sibling takes guardianship of the elderly or incapacitated parent or sibling, then other siblings do not have visitation rights, unless specifically stated in the guardianship agreement. The guardian can determine what is best for the elderly family member. This situation can lead to conflicts between family members and should be discussed prior to seeking guardianship." Michael doesn't have to tell us that he is acquiring guardianship....so basically he can do this without our knowledge and we won't have the rights to fight it or appeal it. Stuck between a boulder and a hard place!!
ONE GOOD NOTE: I went to dinner with a bunch of wonderful women last night...our Whispers group. We hadn't met in 4 years! Wow, had it been that long. We are a "bible study" group, more social than study, yet we hold each other in prayer always. Many of us have been on retreats together and still gather with each other in other studies but it was nice to have this Whispers group together again. PLAN: maybe to restart the group again beginning in September twice a month. Re-open a book we read before to reaquaint us with it & each other....things have changed in the last 4 years and our perspectives as they were then have also changed....In the last four years, we've been blessed with 7 grandchildren!!!! So, yes, it's time for a new look with some old friends! I'm very excited to do this. I must close....I have to finish getting this house in order for next week, CANNOT WAIT!!! :)
Another visit!!
Mom with her therapist and with me visiting in the hall way of Regent Care Rehab Center.
Listening to music of the 60's-70'sAnother visit yesterday!! I spent two hours with mom yesterday...we went to occupational therapy, her therapist Diana Chacon was wonderful. She was patient with mom, encouraging and in more ways than one told me that mom had been there for 3 weeks, she understood the "hermano" situation. I helped mom, in going to the bathroom, eating from her "magic cup" (a pudding of sorts), taking her to music. I enjoyed watching her in the music room, her legs were moving and she was "dancing" to the 60's - 70's. Several nurses came up to her and told her they liked seeing her smile. She introduced me several times ..... "this is my daughter" I was glad to have spent that time.....Going again today!
8.01.2012
Research and Visit
I made up my mind not to remain in the side lines and be bullied into thinking that I cannot visit my mom. So the research began when I called the Dispute Resolutions Center on Monday, July 30, 2012 and spoke to Josie. She gave me advice to document everything that has been going on with the lack of communication with my brother concerning mom. She also gave me numbers to call and websites to visit concerning rights of elder care and lawyers specializing in elder care. I hate that it has come to this! I also called AT&T requesting my texts' conversations (if you call them that) be printed with dates, names and times. They said that would not be possible but that I should email them to myself and document the times/dates and who they were from. So my documentation began several months ago with this blog.....since no one but me reads it, I figured it would be okay....I also emailed all the texts and put them into a word document with names, dates, times, etc. Next I checked into the difference between Power of Attorney and a Guardianship, how each is obtained and the differences in powers and usage. Next I checked into Sibling Rights of an Adult Guardianship--Legal Agreements and Visitation Rights. All very informative!!
I attended a funeral service this morning for one of my new "friends".....Dora Rodriguez....member of my once a month breakfast club I joined at Aunt Jo's invitation two years ago. I have grown very fond of the ladies that attend even though they are 20 years my senior They are what I would love to become as I grow older! At her Funeral Mass I heard once again Psalm 23 song lyrics that I heard on Sunday, July 22
Shepherd me, O God beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.
God is my shepherd, so nothing shall I want,
I rest in the meadows of faithfulness and love,
I walk by the quiet waters of peace.
Gently you raise me and heal my weary soul,
You lead me by pathways of righteousness and truth,
my spirit shall sing the music of your Name.
You have set me a banquet of love
in the face of hatred,
crowning me with love beyond my pow’r to hold.
Surely your kindness and mercy follow me
all the days of my life;
I will dwell in the house of my God forevermore.
Shepherd me, O God beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.
AND so with renewed awareness of what needed to be done, (after the funeral) I picked up my sister and we went to visit mom at the Rehab Center where we aren't supposed to know that she is. We wanted to talk to the Social Services counselor, Jack, but he wouldn't even address any questions concerning mom. We emphatically insisted that we talk to an administrator and so he led us to her office. With bold courage we stated our wants and needs to Mrs. Betty Renker, LNFA. She insisted that she could not discuss any matters concerning mom with us and we had to take it up with our brother. I asked if his power of attorney covered the authorization to keep us from visiting mom. She shrugged and told us to discuss it with him. I asked her if she had even read the document and she said "No". So I asked for a copy so I could read it or if she would please read it to check on the verbage of the document preventing us from visiting. She came back and said there was nothing in the document that prevented us from seeing her. With that we asked that she not tell Michael that we had been there, but unfortunately the phone call had already been made. My temper ALMOST got the best of me but I held me tongue and kept my cool. I told her that we had not even approached mom yet we had just asked to visit with her, the administrator. I do believe she regretted the phone call and saw that we were not there to cause trouble or bring her into any "family issues". We simply were there to see/visit with mom. Unfortunately she will tell Michael and it will be "placed on record" that we were there. BUT with the awareness that there is nothing in the documents that prove that he has authority to keep us from mom, she said we could come anytime. BUT for how long before he removes her again from their care.
We had a lovely visit with mom......she broke down and cried when she saw us and then recouped. We talked and laughed.....I showed her pictures of Anthony and Julian (she hadn't seen her two newest great grandsons). We talked about Sarah moving back to SA and then after 20 minutes the visit had to end. We told her we had to leave and she said she could not cry because Michael would be mad and get upset. I told her not to be upset and that we would come back to see her. The nurses saw her in a good mood which is a help to us since one of the excuses he uses is that we upset her whenever we see her.
It was a good visit and I'm glad we had the boldness of Christ surrounding us.
I attended a funeral service this morning for one of my new "friends".....Dora Rodriguez....member of my once a month breakfast club I joined at Aunt Jo's invitation two years ago. I have grown very fond of the ladies that attend even though they are 20 years my senior They are what I would love to become as I grow older! At her Funeral Mass I heard once again Psalm 23 song lyrics that I heard on Sunday, July 22
Shepherd me, O God beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.
God is my shepherd, so nothing shall I want,
I rest in the meadows of faithfulness and love,
I walk by the quiet waters of peace.
Gently you raise me and heal my weary soul,
You lead me by pathways of righteousness and truth,
my spirit shall sing the music of your Name.
You have set me a banquet of love
in the face of hatred,
crowning me with love beyond my pow’r to hold.
Surely your kindness and mercy follow me
all the days of my life;
I will dwell in the house of my God forevermore.
Shepherd me, O God beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.
AND so with renewed awareness of what needed to be done, (after the funeral) I picked up my sister and we went to visit mom at the Rehab Center where we aren't supposed to know that she is. We wanted to talk to the Social Services counselor, Jack, but he wouldn't even address any questions concerning mom. We emphatically insisted that we talk to an administrator and so he led us to her office. With bold courage we stated our wants and needs to Mrs. Betty Renker, LNFA. She insisted that she could not discuss any matters concerning mom with us and we had to take it up with our brother. I asked if his power of attorney covered the authorization to keep us from visiting mom. She shrugged and told us to discuss it with him. I asked her if she had even read the document and she said "No". So I asked for a copy so I could read it or if she would please read it to check on the verbage of the document preventing us from visiting. She came back and said there was nothing in the document that prevented us from seeing her. With that we asked that she not tell Michael that we had been there, but unfortunately the phone call had already been made. My temper ALMOST got the best of me but I held me tongue and kept my cool. I told her that we had not even approached mom yet we had just asked to visit with her, the administrator. I do believe she regretted the phone call and saw that we were not there to cause trouble or bring her into any "family issues". We simply were there to see/visit with mom. Unfortunately she will tell Michael and it will be "placed on record" that we were there. BUT with the awareness that there is nothing in the documents that prove that he has authority to keep us from mom, she said we could come anytime. BUT for how long before he removes her again from their care.
It was a good visit and I'm glad we had the boldness of Christ surrounding us.
Ps 138:3 When I cried to You, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.
Pro 3:26 The Lord will be your (strong) confidence and will not allow your foot to be caught.
7.25.2012
A Surprise to Us!!
It's been a few days since I last wrote....frustration, busyness of life, excuses!! My sister, Mary and I have been looking forward to our annual "Sisters' Week" at the coast for a while now, since we planned it in March, really. We were hoping that Esther, younger sister, would join us but alas, she said she still had too much to do for the upcoming wedding of her daughter Sabrina. We mentioned that it might be good for her if she just chilled before the wedding especially since she sounded so stressed.....but she declined! Oh well, next year won't come soon enough for her!
Mary picked me up at the airport on Monday morning after my week long trip to JP & Meg's to see the boys.....wonderful time with the grandbabies and on top of that I also got to see Gina & Greg with the children....all of them.. What a treat! SIX grandkids in one trip!!
So she picked me up, we went home to check on the pool, the yard, the house, and exchange suitcases. Yes, it was packed for the beach before I left for St. Louis! Off we went. Stopped for lunch, and on the way we decided to keep on driving to visit our aunt and uncles in Brownsville. What a great idea! Aunt Rosie was delighted to see us. We spent the night with her and Uncle Emilio. We visited with Tio Felo and spent most of the evening documenting family history on the Shears/Leal side. My goodness, skeletons in the closet we have. We had breakfast early morning with Tia and then picked up some pan de dulce to take over to Tio Cale & Tia Julie's for our second helping of breakfast.
On our way to Brownsville, we called Tia Mary Lou and told her our plan....she was giddy with delight that we would actually want to drive all the way down to visit for a day and knew that they, at the receiving end would love it. She also mentioned that we needed to make a trip to "Willy-Willy's" for some margaritas.......Willy-Willy turned out to be WannaWanna!! They were good margaritas, beach side with Cerviche and Fried Shrimp.
We are now at the beach and it has been frustrating in that we cannot get our condo internet to work and so Mary and I have been sitting at WalMart McDonald's downloading CM stuff so we can take it back an work on our digital scrapbooking. While the downloading is taking place I also decided to write. Maybe too, because we received a phone call from Tia Mary Lou telling us that she had received permission to visit mom. BUT, she was told that she would be picked up at her home and taken to mom. Tia assumed that Michael would take her to Shady Springs but instead took her to Regent Care Rehab center and told Tia that mom had been there for two weeks. TWO WEEKS and we haven't heard from them to let us know that she had fallen again and fractured some more of her hip. The last time we heard from Mike and Angie (more Angie) was when I tried to visit mom and I was told that THEY would let me know when and if mom wanted to see me and until then I was not to come over!!!
SO now she's at the rehab center and they (staff) have been told that no one is to visit mom except Mike, Angie and now Tia Mary Lou. A surprise to us!!
Question: do I take this to a legal step? Who would it be helping and who would it be hurting? IS this something of an abuse that I would take it to Adult Protective Services? to a Dispute Resolution Court? Where do we turn in our rights to see our mom??????????????????
Mary picked me up at the airport on Monday morning after my week long trip to JP & Meg's to see the boys.....wonderful time with the grandbabies and on top of that I also got to see Gina & Greg with the children....all of them.. What a treat! SIX grandkids in one trip!!
So she picked me up, we went home to check on the pool, the yard, the house, and exchange suitcases. Yes, it was packed for the beach before I left for St. Louis! Off we went. Stopped for lunch, and on the way we decided to keep on driving to visit our aunt and uncles in Brownsville. What a great idea! Aunt Rosie was delighted to see us. We spent the night with her and Uncle Emilio. We visited with Tio Felo and spent most of the evening documenting family history on the Shears/Leal side. My goodness, skeletons in the closet we have. We had breakfast early morning with Tia and then picked up some pan de dulce to take over to Tio Cale & Tia Julie's for our second helping of breakfast.
On our way to Brownsville, we called Tia Mary Lou and told her our plan....she was giddy with delight that we would actually want to drive all the way down to visit for a day and knew that they, at the receiving end would love it. She also mentioned that we needed to make a trip to "Willy-Willy's" for some margaritas.......Willy-Willy turned out to be WannaWanna!! They were good margaritas, beach side with Cerviche and Fried Shrimp.
We are now at the beach and it has been frustrating in that we cannot get our condo internet to work and so Mary and I have been sitting at WalMart McDonald's downloading CM stuff so we can take it back an work on our digital scrapbooking. While the downloading is taking place I also decided to write. Maybe too, because we received a phone call from Tia Mary Lou telling us that she had received permission to visit mom. BUT, she was told that she would be picked up at her home and taken to mom. Tia assumed that Michael would take her to Shady Springs but instead took her to Regent Care Rehab center and told Tia that mom had been there for two weeks. TWO WEEKS and we haven't heard from them to let us know that she had fallen again and fractured some more of her hip. The last time we heard from Mike and Angie (more Angie) was when I tried to visit mom and I was told that THEY would let me know when and if mom wanted to see me and until then I was not to come over!!!
SO now she's at the rehab center and they (staff) have been told that no one is to visit mom except Mike, Angie and now Tia Mary Lou. A surprise to us!!
Question: do I take this to a legal step? Who would it be helping and who would it be hurting? IS this something of an abuse that I would take it to Adult Protective Services? to a Dispute Resolution Court? Where do we turn in our rights to see our mom??????????????????
7.02.2012
A Nice Visit
Since mom has been home, I been able to see her twice! Once with Mary and today with Manuel, Mary, and Katie. It was a good visit. She was having breakfast and was playful with all of us. Michael opened the front door and grabbed his bottle of water and walked out the back, never acknowledging us!!! But what's new?
Manuel was in because his mother-in-law passed away so it was not a planned visit.
On the other hand, they are all very excited to be with us at Sabrina's wedding next month and will even be staying at the same hotel.....that should be a good time!!
I enjoyed my time today with my brother and sister.....lots of hugs and reassurances of family. Always good.
Manuel was in because his mother-in-law passed away so it was not a planned visit.
On the other hand, they are all very excited to be with us at Sabrina's wedding next month and will even be staying at the same hotel.....that should be a good time!!
I enjoyed my time today with my brother and sister.....lots of hugs and reassurances of family. Always good.
6.22.2012
Weekend is near....
Mom went home last night....we were notified at 10:30 pm. They got a hospital bed for her too. She is to continue bed rest for the next 6 - 8 weeks, bearing no weight. Therefore, she cannot get up to go to the bathroom, to bathe, to eat, etc. Nurses were supposed to be called to set up times as to when they were going to visit the house. I asked if we had visiting hours as well......they were to let us know this afternoon. So far, nothing has been said about that! But she's home, I'm sure she will do okay.....but our visits have been cut all together until we "have permission" to see her.....that "sucks"!! (sorry, I don't usually say that)
In the meantime....G & G got home! Bathroom is not finished but they were thrilled with the results so far. I'm happy with that....but next week will be filled with trying to finish it and I'm not sure how much time I can devote to that project as I started to fill my calendar with things to do. Oh well...back to the rescheduling board!
So thankful for the weekend!
In the meantime....G & G got home! Bathroom is not finished but they were thrilled with the results so far. I'm happy with that....but next week will be filled with trying to finish it and I'm not sure how much time I can devote to that project as I started to fill my calendar with things to do. Oh well...back to the rescheduling board!
So thankful for the weekend!
6.20.2012
Oh my!!
Stopped by to see mom today. With coffee in hand and a cotton sweater I had to change out the blue one she has been wearing for the last two weeks, I walked down the hall only to be told she wasn't there. She wasn't there!! I asked where she was and they told me to ask my brother. Seriously, you can't tell me if she's checked out! Come to find out, the nurse, who doesn't divulge any information, finally said mom was taken to a doctor's appointment. I asked if she would be back and all he could say was that she was not checked out. What will I find tomorrow? Or will they even let us know if they check her out? Such is the communication!!!
In the meantime, G & G are on their way back and the bathroom remodel is not complete.....yikes!! This never happens in TV home shows where they get the work done in two or three days, does it??????
In the meantime, G & G are on their way back and the bathroom remodel is not complete.....yikes!! This never happens in TV home shows where they get the work done in two or three days, does it??????
6.19.2012
Clearly Another Day
I felt guilty not seeing mom on Friday but timing was not right....I did, however, see her on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, I met my sister and we had "brunch" with mom. She ate a blueberry muffin which is the most I've seen her eat for breakfast since she got there. This was good. We had a nice conversation, up until we had to leave. Mom got weepy and confused as to why we weren't taking her with us. The nurses came in and told her she needed to be bathed and that seemed to help out a bit. It's hard to leave when she's like that.
Sunday, after church and breakfast Tony and I both went in to see mom. It was around noon, she had just been to occupational therapy and was in a great mood. We wheeled her in to a very nice, open rec room. We sat around a small table and they were able to serve her lunch there. This was great. We talked while she ate her lunch and it was good to see her feed herself and continue to visit. It wasn't until she focused on a painting across from her that she started recounting things that probably didn't happen. We had a hard time refocusing as she kept coming back to the same story several times. After her dessert, we wheeled her to the nurses station which is where she likes to be. There she can visit with another patient, Mrs. Woodhouse. They are very cute together, holding hands, telling each other stories and laughing. My mom tends to be very social. We left her in good hands.
Monday was difficult to get there, I had a slight stomach bug that prevented me from going too far and I certainly didn't want to give it to her.
Today was better and I've been to see her......she was surprised to see me, she was weepy and asked if the nurses had called me. That was an indication of something gone poorly!!! Apparently, she refused her breakfast, had yelled at them and become irritated. In a way it's funny because my walking in made it seem as though she had been "caught" acting like a naughty girl. Oh mother!!! We visited for a while, still confused....I watered her lovely plant, a begonia. She told me not to do that, I told her that the plant like her needed to be fed and watered or it would die. She very stubbornly told me to let it die......I hate it when she talks that way. We changed the conversation to the sunshine and possibility of rain. I showed her pictures of grandkids, the same ones I show her every day.....she delights in seeing them for the "first time".
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I watched her as she napped off and on during my visit. Clearly she has beautiful skin, even with all the weight loss, she barely has wrinkles on her face. She doesn't have skin flaws other than the brusing she still has from her hospital stay. Her facial skin is creamy white and soft. Her sleep is interrupted by noises outside her door and she gets startled which leaves her confused and asking where she is.
What is it that Scarlett O'Hara says......"tomorrow is another day"......or maybe Annie....."the sun will come out tomorrow". I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
Today is my in-laws 64th wedding anniversary!!! Congratulations to them. I've been "babysitting" the house while they've been on vacation and their bathroom has been remodeled. It's been tedious but I've been genuinely glad to do it! Congratulations to them with all of my love.
Sunday, after church and breakfast Tony and I both went in to see mom. It was around noon, she had just been to occupational therapy and was in a great mood. We wheeled her in to a very nice, open rec room. We sat around a small table and they were able to serve her lunch there. This was great. We talked while she ate her lunch and it was good to see her feed herself and continue to visit. It wasn't until she focused on a painting across from her that she started recounting things that probably didn't happen. We had a hard time refocusing as she kept coming back to the same story several times. After her dessert, we wheeled her to the nurses station which is where she likes to be. There she can visit with another patient, Mrs. Woodhouse. They are very cute together, holding hands, telling each other stories and laughing. My mom tends to be very social. We left her in good hands.
Monday was difficult to get there, I had a slight stomach bug that prevented me from going too far and I certainly didn't want to give it to her.
Today was better and I've been to see her......she was surprised to see me, she was weepy and asked if the nurses had called me. That was an indication of something gone poorly!!! Apparently, she refused her breakfast, had yelled at them and become irritated. In a way it's funny because my walking in made it seem as though she had been "caught" acting like a naughty girl. Oh mother!!! We visited for a while, still confused....I watered her lovely plant, a begonia. She told me not to do that, I told her that the plant like her needed to be fed and watered or it would die. She very stubbornly told me to let it die......I hate it when she talks that way. We changed the conversation to the sunshine and possibility of rain. I showed her pictures of grandkids, the same ones I show her every day.....she delights in seeing them for the "first time".
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I watched her as she napped off and on during my visit. Clearly she has beautiful skin, even with all the weight loss, she barely has wrinkles on her face. She doesn't have skin flaws other than the brusing she still has from her hospital stay. Her facial skin is creamy white and soft. Her sleep is interrupted by noises outside her door and she gets startled which leaves her confused and asking where she is.
What is it that Scarlett O'Hara says......"tomorrow is another day"......or maybe Annie....."the sun will come out tomorrow". I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
Today is my in-laws 64th wedding anniversary!!! Congratulations to them. I've been "babysitting" the house while they've been on vacation and their bathroom has been remodeled. It's been tedious but I've been genuinely glad to do it! Congratulations to them with all of my love.
6.14.2012
All in all it was a good day!
I walked into mom's room this morning, she was awake and sitting in a wheelchair. She looked rested and clean. She had again refused her breakfast, so I asked if they would bring something that I could coax her into eating. They brought a bowl of oatmeal and a small glass of juice. Mom refused to even taste it. At 9:00 a.m. Lory walked in with mom's meds, crushed and mixed into a paste using a milkshake of sorts. Mom would barely open her mouth, she'd arch her back and spit whatever was placed in there. Ugh! she was frustrating! Lory had a milkshake waiting for her and when mom wasn't watching he mixed the meds into the shake hoping mom would take them that way. She took most of it. The problem with not taking her meds at this time was that she would not be offered any others until 3:00 p.m. Mixed in these were her pain meds. We had a short visit, but it was a good visit.
Yesterday I talked to Jack, Social Worker, at the rehab center and he was getting back to me concerning the power of attorney, rights we have in asking questions concerning mom, her care and her needs. Well.....today we were told it was up to the "responsible party" to allow us to know any of this. Federal law prevents us from getting any answers unless our little brother says we are on the "approved list". Wow!!! So instead of being cordial, communicative, informative concerning mom we are to ask our questions on a yellow tablet left on her nightstand and when "they" get to it they'll respond. How 'bout that? We can't win this battle, but we won't give him the opportunity to hold out anything either. The nurses have, in their own way, filled us in on what's going on. Mary and I have been appreciative of this and have shown it. They know what kind of person they're dealing with in him.
I was able to come home before 11:00 a.m. this morning....after sitting at Addax waiting for the workmen to finish for the day. This is my second week staying over there while the guest bath is being remodeled. It has been a long two weeks! I've gotten some scrapbooking done, made CM calls, and somehow my business part of this has been great!
Because I was home most of today, laundry was finished, the floors were swept and mopped and dinner was on time! All in all it was a good day.......God will somehow let us know what we need to know about mom. Patience, persistence, prayers, and gratitude is all we need right now.
Yesterday I talked to Jack, Social Worker, at the rehab center and he was getting back to me concerning the power of attorney, rights we have in asking questions concerning mom, her care and her needs. Well.....today we were told it was up to the "responsible party" to allow us to know any of this. Federal law prevents us from getting any answers unless our little brother says we are on the "approved list". Wow!!! So instead of being cordial, communicative, informative concerning mom we are to ask our questions on a yellow tablet left on her nightstand and when "they" get to it they'll respond. How 'bout that? We can't win this battle, but we won't give him the opportunity to hold out anything either. The nurses have, in their own way, filled us in on what's going on. Mary and I have been appreciative of this and have shown it. They know what kind of person they're dealing with in him.
I was able to come home before 11:00 a.m. this morning....after sitting at Addax waiting for the workmen to finish for the day. This is my second week staying over there while the guest bath is being remodeled. It has been a long two weeks! I've gotten some scrapbooking done, made CM calls, and somehow my business part of this has been great!
Because I was home most of today, laundry was finished, the floors were swept and mopped and dinner was on time! All in all it was a good day.......God will somehow let us know what we need to know about mom. Patience, persistence, prayers, and gratitude is all we need right now.
6.13.2012
Forgotten moments...forever on my heart!
She came in and closed the door behind her and in whispers, Rosanna (nurse) told me that mom had done very well yesterday after I left. She had been taken to the cafeteria, sat in the wheelchair and had her lunch. She fed herself and ate all of it. I was relieved to hear this, as she wouldn't take but a few bites of breakfast for me. Rosanna informed me that she would do that again today. In came another wonderful angel, Kristina. Kristina greeted mom like a long lost friend and explained to her what was going to happen next. They had to change mom's "diaper" because she had soiled herself. It was painful to watch but I needed to be there so mom could hang on to me as they rolled her from side to side, yes, even the side to lay on the broken pelvis. She screamed and cried and clung.....I was helpless, I couldn't ease her pain. All I could do was tell her that the nurses knew what they were doing and it would soon be alright. And it was! Within minutes mom forgot that she had been washed and cleaned. She forgot the pain, she forgot Rosanna and Kristina, who had been in with her, she forgot what had just occurred. I doubt that she will remember that I was there today, but I will.
6.12.2012
Thank God for the One who makes a difference..and then there's the other one
2 p.m---There's always one person who seems to know when it's the right thing to do whether it's within the "rules" or not. It's just right ......thank you for Alma! She knew what was being said about not divulging any information to those (me and Mary) not on "the list"....yet she in so many kind words to mom told me all I needed to know about her behavior this morning. Mom refused her breakfast, she hadn't been to the bathroom (in her Depends), she hadn't taken her meds ...all she wanted to do was sleep. I woke her up, much to her dislike, ordered a breakfast tray and fed her. We did airplane into the airport hanger.....anything to get her to open her mouth and take a spoonful of Cream of Wheat. Seven bites later, she arched her back and refused. Told me it was painful to eat, to swallow, that her throat hurt, that her "nalgas" hurt. I asked them to come check her and they did.....again thank you for doing the "right" thing!
The Speech Therapist came in and did a swallow assessment on her and decided to call mom's doctor for a swallow test. I don't know where this will lead because I have no authority to ask for this and this was on the therapist recommendation but on my insistance to check mom out. Those in "authority" were called and they did not answer their phone. Basically, they were called to have me(us) put on "the list" so they (the nurses) could talk to us. I wasn't asking for authorization on decision making, I just want information on how mom is doing when I'm not there. No call back while I was there for over 2 hours.....so we'll see what happens next.
Mom is frail, fragile, sad, depressed, confused, in unfamiliar surroundings, and alone. Her mind is clouded with cobwebs, a tangle of fine silken thoughts leading to places she can't remember, people she can't seem to forget but doesn't know where they are, timelines that intermix, shadows that frighten her, thoughts that escape, and words she can't grasp anymore. For a moment she becomes lucid and then she reverts back to her state of confusion. She can be very funny one moment and crying the next. She has hidden anger and I see it when her jaw stiffens and her lips tremble.
My mom and I were never "friends". She was my mother and I was always made to remember that I was the child. We never teased each other, shopped as adults, had a leisurely lunch over wine, talked about kids, talked about husbands or men in general. We never went to the beauty shop or the nail shop to get a manicure or a pedicure......there were times when we really never had anything to say to each other. Not even talk about the weather. Conversations were forced. When she and daddy decided that the Catholic faith was no longer theirs, she made it a point to tell me how wrong I was to follow a church that believed Jesus was dead.....(the crucifix). Her Jesus was alive. The Rosary which had been such a part of her life was a bunch of beads that no longer spoke to her heart. Oh mom, what beautiful conversations we could have had......had I been strong enough then to tell you how I believe.
8 p.m. So what happened next----he threw my sister out of mom's room!! Told her that if we wanted to know anything about mom we should write down on the tablet provided and they would answer whenever!!! Told her to get the "f---" out of there because mom didn't want any part of her or me!!! That's family on my side!!!
I'm sad, confused, hurt!!
The Speech Therapist came in and did a swallow assessment on her and decided to call mom's doctor for a swallow test. I don't know where this will lead because I have no authority to ask for this and this was on the therapist recommendation but on my insistance to check mom out. Those in "authority" were called and they did not answer their phone. Basically, they were called to have me(us) put on "the list" so they (the nurses) could talk to us. I wasn't asking for authorization on decision making, I just want information on how mom is doing when I'm not there. No call back while I was there for over 2 hours.....so we'll see what happens next.
Mom is frail, fragile, sad, depressed, confused, in unfamiliar surroundings, and alone. Her mind is clouded with cobwebs, a tangle of fine silken thoughts leading to places she can't remember, people she can't seem to forget but doesn't know where they are, timelines that intermix, shadows that frighten her, thoughts that escape, and words she can't grasp anymore. For a moment she becomes lucid and then she reverts back to her state of confusion. She can be very funny one moment and crying the next. She has hidden anger and I see it when her jaw stiffens and her lips tremble.
My mom and I were never "friends". She was my mother and I was always made to remember that I was the child. We never teased each other, shopped as adults, had a leisurely lunch over wine, talked about kids, talked about husbands or men in general. We never went to the beauty shop or the nail shop to get a manicure or a pedicure......there were times when we really never had anything to say to each other. Not even talk about the weather. Conversations were forced. When she and daddy decided that the Catholic faith was no longer theirs, she made it a point to tell me how wrong I was to follow a church that believed Jesus was dead.....(the crucifix). Her Jesus was alive. The Rosary which had been such a part of her life was a bunch of beads that no longer spoke to her heart. Oh mom, what beautiful conversations we could have had......had I been strong enough then to tell you how I believe.
8 p.m. So what happened next----he threw my sister out of mom's room!! Told her that if we wanted to know anything about mom we should write down on the tablet provided and they would answer whenever!!! Told her to get the "f---" out of there because mom didn't want any part of her or me!!! That's family on my side!!!
I'm sad, confused, hurt!!
6.11.2012
Must look at the positive side
A week ago today my mother fell, was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a broken pelvis. I didn't hear about this until late Tuesday afternoon. How sad that there is a control issue here where my mom is concerned. The hospital visits were frequent, much more so than if she were in her home....this is a good thing. Then there was the move to the re-hab facility and the visits were better because it was closer to my home.....this too is a good thing. UNTIL today! My sister, Mary, was told by the nurse that we could not be given any information concerning mom because we "weren't on the list".....NOT on the list???? Where did this come from???? There was to be no discussion on treatments, meds, therapy, meals, etc....because we are not on the LIST!!!
A week ago my mother fell, she's been in pain, she is confused, she doesn't know where she is. I watched....helpless. I sat with her and watched as she dozed in and out of sleep, it wasn't a peaceful sleep. She twitched, she grabbed for her blanket, she moaned. I watched...the only thing I could think of doing was to say the rosary. Mom hasn't said a rosary is over 35 years, but I didn't feel that I overstepped her faith believes, after all she used to say it....and it made me feel better....this was a good thing.
Tomorrow I will go and visit her again, ask about her therapy, her meds, her meals, whether she slept tonight......I will ask because I am her daughter, list or not, I have a right to know because she is my mother!!! AND I will continue to ask.
A week ago my mother fell, she's been in pain, she is confused, she doesn't know where she is. I watched....helpless. I sat with her and watched as she dozed in and out of sleep, it wasn't a peaceful sleep. She twitched, she grabbed for her blanket, she moaned. I watched...the only thing I could think of doing was to say the rosary. Mom hasn't said a rosary is over 35 years, but I didn't feel that I overstepped her faith believes, after all she used to say it....and it made me feel better....this was a good thing.
Tomorrow I will go and visit her again, ask about her therapy, her meds, her meals, whether she slept tonight......I will ask because I am her daughter, list or not, I have a right to know because she is my mother!!! AND I will continue to ask.
5.06.2012
love, purpose, gratitude
We have no choice but to wait for the Lord. But,
we have options to stay prepared. We can feed our faith through prayer and
study. We can feed others through our heartfelt works of charity and example.
Or, we can put our faith on the shelf and just wait for the right day to dust it
off. If we choose the later, however, beware! We may find there is no faith
left.
I went to church today with my son-in-law and two grandsons. Perhaps on my insistance they went with me. It had been a few weeks since they had attended especially since their lives have been turned upside down. With Gina in the hospital, work, school and playing super dad......I know Greg probably thought there were other things he could be doing. By the end of Mass, I do believe that God touched his heart and he reflected on the goodness of the Lord. Thank you Jesus.
There have been times such as these that I, too, feel like I'm in the desert and the sandstorms of life are just taking over. Putting my faith on the shelf and waiting is not a good thing to do and I must remember this. Being here with Greg and kids, even though I don't consider it a work of charity but extreme love, I have felt purpose and gratitude. My prayer is that I continue to have the stamina and good health to do this for all of my children.
God is good and I must remember that He is always with us.....until the end of time.
5.05.2012
Waiting & finding the joy!
“...sitting and waiting is one of the most miserable occupations known to man - not that it usually is known to men; women do it much more often.” ― Diana Gabaldon
Sitting and waiting with Gina....praying all will be well and knowing that God is in control.
“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts.” ― Elisabeth Elliot
Conversations with God have become on going.....never ceasing.....Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. and so I will find the joy in the emptiness of the glass and the other side of what lies ahead......in all things find the joy!
Sitting and waiting with Gina....praying all will be well and knowing that God is in control.
“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts.” ― Elisabeth Elliot
Conversations with God have become on going.....never ceasing.....Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. and so I will find the joy in the emptiness of the glass and the other side of what lies ahead......in all things find the joy!
Make room in the freezer!
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