Forgotten moments...forever on my heart!

       She came in and closed the door behind her and in whispers, Rosanna (nurse) told me that mom had done very well yesterday after I left.  She had been taken to the cafeteria, sat in the wheelchair and had her lunch.  She fed herself and ate all of it.  I was relieved to hear this, as she wouldn't take but a few bites of breakfast for me.  Rosanna informed me that she would do that again today.  In came another wonderful angel, Kristina.  Kristina greeted mom like a long lost friend and explained to her what was going to happen next.  They had to change mom's "diaper" because she had soiled herself.  It was painful to watch but I needed to be there so mom could hang on to me as they rolled her from side to side, yes, even the side to lay on the broken pelvis.  She screamed and cried and clung.....I was helpless, I couldn't ease her pain.  All I could do was tell her that the nurses knew what they were doing and it would soon be alright.   And it was!  Within minutes mom forgot that she had been washed and cleaned.  She forgot the pain, she forgot Rosanna and Kristina, who had been in with her, she forgot what had just occurred.  I doubt that she will remember that I was there today, but I will. 

Thank God for the One who makes a difference..and then there's the other one

        2 p.m---There's always one person who seems to know when it's the right thing to do whether it's within the "rules" or not.  It's just right ......thank you for Alma!  She knew what was being said about not divulging any information to those (me and Mary) not on "the list"....yet she in so many kind words to mom told me all I needed to know about her behavior this morning.  Mom refused her breakfast, she hadn't been to the bathroom (in her Depends), she hadn't taken her meds ...all she wanted to do was sleep.  I woke her up, much to her dislike, ordered a breakfast tray and fed her.  We did airplane into the airport hanger.....anything to get her to open her mouth and take a spoonful of Cream of Wheat.  Seven bites later, she arched her back and refused.  Told me it was painful to eat, to swallow, that her throat hurt, that her "nalgas" hurt.  I asked them to come check her and they did.....again thank you for doing the "right" thing! 
      The Speech Therapist came in and did a swallow assessment on her and decided to call mom's doctor for a swallow test.  I don't know where this will lead because I have no authority to ask for this and this was on the therapist recommendation but on my insistance to check mom out.   Those in "authority" were called and they did not answer their phone.  Basically, they were called to have me(us) put on "the list" so they (the nurses) could talk to us. I wasn't asking for authorization on decision making, I just want information on how mom is doing when I'm not there.  No call back while I was there for over 2 hours.....so we'll see what happens next. 
     Mom is frail, fragile, sad, depressed, confused, in unfamiliar surroundings, and alone.  Her mind is clouded with cobwebs, a tangle of fine silken thoughts leading to places she can't remember, people she can't seem to forget but doesn't know where they are, timelines that intermix, shadows that frighten her, thoughts that escape, and words she can't grasp anymore.  For a moment she becomes lucid and then she reverts back to her state of confusion.  She can be very funny one moment and crying the next.  She has hidden anger and I see it when her jaw stiffens and her lips tremble. 
     My mom and I were never "friends".  She was my mother and I was always made to remember that I was the child.  We never teased each other, shopped as adults, had a leisurely lunch over wine, talked about kids, talked about husbands or men in general.  We never went to the beauty shop or the nail shop to get a manicure or a pedicure......there were times when we really never had anything to say to each other.  Not even talk about the weather.  Conversations were forced.  When she and daddy decided that the Catholic faith was no longer theirs, she made it a point to tell me how wrong I was to follow a church that believed Jesus was dead.....(the crucifix).  Her Jesus was alive.  The Rosary which had been such a part of her life was a bunch of beads that no longer spoke to her heart.  Oh mom, what beautiful conversations we could have had......had I been strong enough then to tell you how I believe. 
       8 p.m.  So what happened next----he threw my sister out of mom's room!!  Told her that if we wanted to know anything about mom we should write down on the tablet provided and they would answer whenever!!!  Told her to get the "f---" out of there because mom didn't want any part of her or me!!!  That's family on my side!!!
    I'm sad, confused, hurt!!

Must look at the positive side

      A week ago today my mother fell, was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a broken pelvis.  I didn't hear about this until late Tuesday afternoon.  How sad that there is a control issue here where my mom is concerned.  The hospital visits were frequent, much more so than if she were in her home....this is a good thing.  Then there was the move to the re-hab facility and the visits were better because it was closer to my home.....this too is a good thing.  UNTIL today!  My sister, Mary, was told by the nurse that we could not be given any information concerning mom because we "weren't on the list".....NOT on the list????  Where did this come from????  There was to be no discussion on treatments, meds, therapy, meals, etc....because we are not on the LIST!!! 
     A week ago my mother fell, she's been in pain, she is confused, she doesn't know where she is. I watched....helpless.  I sat with her and watched as she dozed in and out of sleep, it wasn't a peaceful sleep.  She twitched, she grabbed for her blanket, she moaned.  I watched...the only thing I could think of doing was to say the rosary.  Mom hasn't said a rosary is over 35 years, but I didn't feel that I overstepped her faith believes, after all she used to say it....and it made me feel better....this was a good thing. 
     Tomorrow I will go and visit her again, ask about her therapy, her meds, her meals, whether she slept tonight......I will ask because I am her daughter, list or not, I have a right to know because she is my mother!!! AND I will continue to ask. 

love, purpose, gratitude

We have no choice but to wait for the Lord. But, we have options to stay prepared. We can feed our faith through prayer and study. We can feed others through our heartfelt works of charity and example. Or, we can put our faith on the shelf and just wait for the right day to dust it off. If we choose the later, however, beware! We may find there is no faith left.

I went to church today with my son-in-law and two grandsons.  Perhaps on my insistance they went with me.  It had been a few weeks since they had attended especially since their lives have been turned upside down.  With Gina in the hospital, work, school and playing super dad......I know Greg probably thought there were other things he could be doing.  By the end of Mass, I do believe that God touched his heart and he reflected on the goodness of the Lord.  Thank you Jesus.  

There have been times such as these that I, too, feel like I'm in the desert and the sandstorms of life are just taking over.  Putting my faith on the shelf and waiting is not a good thing to do and I must remember this.  Being here with Greg and kids, even though I don't consider it a work of charity but extreme love, I have felt purpose and gratitude.  My prayer is that I continue to have the stamina and good health to do this for all of my children. 

God is good and I must remember that He is always with us.....until the end of time.   

Waiting & finding the joy!

“...sitting and waiting is one of the most miserable occupations known to man - not that it usually is known to men; women do it much more often.” ― Diana Gabaldon

Sitting and waiting with Gina....praying all will be well and knowing that God is in control.

“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts.” ― Elisabeth Elliot

Conversations with God have become on going.....never ceasing.....Rejoice always, pray continually,   give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  and so I will find the joy in the emptiness of the glass and the other side of what lies ahead......in all things find the joy!

Make room in the freezer!

I've made a list of groceries for Greg to buy to supplement what he already has....not as many as he thought! But in cooking to prepare for my departure the kids had to empty a gallon container of ice cream.....challenge? Not for this group. The Woodpile did their best to accomodate. Grandma Wood will be here to take over for a while and then I'll come back for a while longer. Maybe I can bring Gramps with me!

Yea Nani!!!

Yea me.....I took the boys to two different schools today without the GPS!! I did it and I made it back. On the way back I realized I didn't have my phone either......so if I were to have gotten lost, I don't know who I would've called. I guess I would have had to use the GPS! Oh well. On another note, Jonathan was the recipient of the National Leadership Award given to him by the Military Order of the Purple Heart from America's Combat Wounded.

When asked what he had to do to receive this award.....he said "show up to class"....but actually his instructor read some nice comments about him.

A proud moment for all of us as Greg, Daniel, Becca and I witnessed this. We sent pictures to Gina as soon as we could.

The presenter was an army purple heart recipient.....served in Korea and VietNam. He was wounded when he was a "snot nosed 18 year old". Today he celebrates his 80th birthday!!! God has some mighty wonderful plans for this man! God is good. God is good too in that Gina is doing well and Cuatro continues to grow and thrive in his warm environment(mommy)....due date is May 14th. Although there will be a full moon tomorrow and all bets are on.