Seems like an odd question realizing that at the higher end of whispering 60 I would have begun many years ago. But this has to do with the spiritual attitude I am still developing as I age. There have been many ups and downs in my faith based spiritual attitude, as with my attitude to anything in life: work, family, living, health, doctors, church, faith, career, and so on......
But, in reading Everyday Simplicity by Robert J. Wicks, a practical guide to spiritual growth, I've found that my spiritual life can only develop and deepen when I look at everything--including sufferings and confusion--in a way that "deepens me and makes life more meaningful" ; I have to find and nurture a refreshing and restarting place within to be "intimate with God"; and I need to learn to "share" myself with others in a "compassionate way that mysteriously feeds and enlivens me rather than depleting me or making me feel overburdened and resentful."
There are probably no REAL directions to one's spiritual journey....it is my own! And I have to travel it alone...exploring different paths....but ultimately discovering intimacy with God such as no other.
Faithfulness
--being aware of the subtle workings of God in my life hasn't always been easy. In retrospect there has been an abundance of workings throughout my life. Matt 28:20b--"I am with you always..." And whether in darkness or in gratitude I find myself turning to prayer---talking to God. Openness to prayer, openness to converse with God has long been there because I can't remember when I haven't just talked to God. Sometimes my conversation is not very prayerful....sometimes there's anger, hurt, confusion, and so on....but I figured He knows my heart, there's nothing I can hide from Him....so prayerful, or not, He gets my prayer! And I know He listens not necessarily because my prayers are answered the way I expect but because prayers ARE answered! I also pray in overwhelming gratitude for the grace and mercy He has bestowed upon me. This more so.
I do have to admit there have been some desert times...sometimes when I feel dry...not wanting to take time to pray...not wanting to deal with my insecurities, confusion, dissolution, unhappiness and fear...thinking God doesn't want to deal with them either! Luke 18:1 "pray always and not lose heart" What I don't see is the special joys and new perspective I need to take to witness the blessings in what I "am dealing" with.
Courage comes and goes. Hold on for the next supply.--Thomas Merton. I need to not lose heart but to persevere in my prayer life to achieve and fall into a deeper relationship with God.
Openness
--my friend, Terri, was a lonely person. Not so much that she was ever alone or that she didn't have friends, but she placed herself in the lonely situation when she wouldn't allow herself to face life without her children always by her side. She anguished before their visits, she was distressed while they were there and she grieved when they left. She entered into frenzied activities---work and exercise. She neglected the one person who could have helped her get over her loneliness--by withdrawing and entering into depression. Deep loneliness and distancing from reality are forceful reminders of how vulnerable and valuable life is. She died, I cried, I sorrow, I am resentful that she is lost to those who love her.
So the question: why do I still bring her up? Perhaps I have been traumatized by this loss---could this loss spiral me into a depression, an alienation, a distancing from those who would hold me up in prayer, who would companion me into the beauty of "old age", who love me for who I am?
I think often of Terri and wish I could share some thoughts with her concerning this loss of openness to the possibility of hope beyond all expectations. I wish I could share with her what I've read "When we feel our heart is breaking or the energy for life is slowly draining from us, if we can see beyond the feelings of loss or alienation, if we can be open to hope, we may experience a softening of our soul, a change of heart, a paradigm shift. And, in that moment, we have an opportunity to experience God and our lives in a new, deeper way. We may appreciate each day more humbly and take less for granted."
Will the pain ever go away? Will the pain of this loss be without meaning? I don't know. But what I need to do is pray that God will allow me to be aware and alert to the blessing that this loss brings. I miss my friend. I will count as gift every time we shared. I will count the beautiful children and grandchildren, who miss her, as blessings. And I will count the friendship we had as a beautiful representation of God's hand in my life.
But more importantly I will enter into this phase of life alert and present, try to avoid having the expectations of what should happen, and instead open to surprises by all of what life brings. Paying attention to "the now".
Even the predictable turns into surprise the moment we stop taking it for granted.--David Stendl-Rast
