Where do I begin?

Seems like an odd question realizing that at the higher end of whispering 60 I would have begun many years ago. But this has to do with the spiritual attitude I am still developing as I age. There have been many ups and downs in my faith based spiritual attitude, as with my attitude to anything in life: work, family, living, health, doctors, church, faith, career, and so on......

But, in reading Everyday Simplicity by Robert J. Wicks, a practical guide to spiritual growth, I've found that my spiritual life can only develop and deepen when I look at everything--including sufferings and confusion--in a way that "deepens me and makes life more meaningful" ; I have to find and nurture a refreshing and restarting place within to be "intimate with God"; and I need to learn to "share" myself with others in a "compassionate way that mysteriously feeds and enlivens me rather than depleting me or making me feel overburdened and resentful."

There are probably no REAL directions to one's spiritual journey....it is my own! And I have to travel it alone...exploring different paths....but ultimately discovering intimacy with God such as no other.

Faithfulness
--being aware of the subtle workings of God in my life hasn't always been easy. In retrospect there has been an abundance of workings throughout my life. Matt 28:20b--"I am with you always..." And whether in darkness or in gratitude I find myself turning to prayer---talking to God. Openness to prayer, openness to converse with God has long been there because I can't remember when I haven't just talked to God. Sometimes my conversation is not very prayerful....sometimes there's anger, hurt, confusion, and so on....but I figured He knows my heart, there's nothing I can hide from Him....so prayerful, or not, He gets my prayer! And I know He listens not necessarily because my prayers are answered the way I expect but because prayers ARE answered! I also pray in overwhelming gratitude for the grace and mercy He has bestowed upon me. This more so.

I do have to admit there have been some desert times...sometimes when I feel dry...not wanting to take time to pray...not wanting to deal with my insecurities, confusion, dissolution, unhappiness and fear...thinking God doesn't want to deal with them either! Luke 18:1 "pray always and not lose heart" What I don't see is the special joys and new perspective I need to take to witness the blessings in what I "am dealing" with.

Courage comes and goes. Hold on for the next supply.--Thomas Merton. I need to not lose heart but to persevere in my prayer life to achieve and fall into a deeper relationship with God.

Openness
--my friend, Terri, was a lonely person. Not so much that she was ever alone or that she didn't have friends, but she placed herself in the lonely situation when she wouldn't allow herself to face life without her children always by her side. She anguished before their visits, she was distressed while they were there and she grieved when they left. She entered into frenzied activities---work and exercise. She neglected the one person who could have helped her get over her loneliness--by withdrawing and entering into depression. Deep loneliness and distancing from reality are forceful reminders of how vulnerable and valuable life is. She died, I cried, I sorrow, I am resentful that she is lost to those who love her.

So the question: why do I still bring her up? Perhaps I have been traumatized by this loss---could this loss spiral me into a depression, an alienation, a distancing from those who would hold me up in prayer, who would companion me into the beauty of "old age", who love me for who I am?

I think often of Terri and wish I could share some thoughts with her concerning this loss of openness to the possibility of hope beyond all expectations. I wish I could share with her what I've read "When we feel our heart is breaking or the energy for life is slowly draining from us, if we can see beyond the feelings of loss or alienation, if we can be open to hope, we may experience a softening of our soul, a change of heart, a paradigm shift. And, in that moment, we have an opportunity to experience God and our lives in a new, deeper way. We may appreciate each day more humbly and take less for granted."

Will the pain ever go away? Will the pain of this loss be without meaning? I don't know. But what I need to do is pray that God will allow me to be aware and alert to the blessing that this loss brings. I miss my friend. I will count as gift every time we shared. I will count the beautiful children and grandchildren, who miss her, as blessings. And I will count the friendship we had as a beautiful representation of God's hand in my life.

But more importantly I will enter into this phase of life alert and present, try to avoid having the expectations of what should happen, and instead open to surprises by all of what life brings. Paying attention to "the now".

Even the predictable turns into surprise the moment we stop taking it for granted.--David Stendl-Rast

2014 Summer begins

Even though today is the first official day of summer ours began earlier this month with an anniversary week at the condo. Fishing and enjoying each others company was on the list. We had a visit from John & Della Moore--shared some laughs, good wine and shrimp dinner! The following weekend started on Saturday as we celebrated my sister, Mary's "retirement" and new venture with their Rose Garden. Esther came in to town as well. Sunday, we were off to meet the WoodPile at the ranch for a week of activity in bringing down the "Gas House" in order to build the outdoor kitchen that Tony's so badly wants. We worked and played hard, drank gallons of water, a few beers and some gaterade. We also had plenty to eat---no one went hungry! We watched Spurs playoff games, cheered and yelled. Rita and her girls joined us on Wednesday and they pulled their weight in getting things done as well. and on top of that Sophia lost a tooth! Tooth fairy had to locate her at Tu y Yo! Gina, Greg, Rebecca and Anthony left the ranch early Friday morning and the rest of us stayed back to finish the project by burning the rest of the wood and putting things back where they belonged

Rita and the girls left early Saturday morning, Tony, Jonathan, Daniel and I came back to SA later that day. We crashed and burned! We were VERY tired. Not even the World Cup or the pool kept anyone awake!

Sunday was a day to go to church, go to Los Barrios, come home to do laundry and get ready for our next adventure----fishing at the coast! We left Monday afternoon --- arrived to a very windy coast with whitecaps on the bay. The boat did not come out of the garage until Tuesday---boys were happy, happy! Daniel caught the record for the week with the rest of us catching small perch, mullets and hardheads. We saw dolphins swimming right by our boat--this was exciting. It was a good week---we went down to the beach twice. The water was warm and inviting. We walked on the jetties and watched turtles swim close by. The boys had a good time. We taught them to play Hearts as we watched old StarWars videos. All in all it was great.

It's been a while---

It's been over a year---two MAJOR changes in my life--- 1) I lost and found my mother and realized that even though I've found her, I've also lost her---This disease called Alzheimer's is something that I cannot control, doctors cannot cure, nurses are compassionate (if you find the right ones) and you shield your heart every time you visit. Today is my birthday and I received a beautiful wakeup call from my friend RoseMary. She sang "Las Mananitas" and it was recorded....I took that to see mom and played it for her. She broke out into a big smile and started to mouth the words to the song.....what a wonderful blessing twice over. Once from RoseMary and then from Mom. "The mind forgets but the heart remembers". Best birthday gift!!!

2) I've lost my friend, Terri---feelings of guilt, loss, loneliness and fear all have been part of my grieving process! It's been a year and a half---the guilt of not calling her often enough, not counseling her to take care of herself, not visiting more have dissipated a bit. The loss will always be there. Loneliness---because we shared so much, will always be part of losing a dear, dear friend and not having someone who really "got you" to share stuff with---I was blessed to have her as a friend and I miss her terribly. Fear--- comes with age and your own mortality. Know your God and knowing that He said "do not be Afraid" is probably all I must remember and taking stock of who I am in His name. Plus being the best that I can be in all that I do. Fear? It creeps up every once in a while. I do miss her! Today is my birthday and she always took time to share a cup of coffee with me on this day! Thanks, Terri!

Our summer begins this weekend---we are so looking forward to it! We will get to see all of the grandkids--not all together but spend quality time with each one of them and we are thrilled. Bring it on!!

Busy August! Busier September!

I can't believe that it's been a while since I posted...but it has been busy! The one thing that I most look forward to all year, every year is the decent of my children and grandchildren.....and when they come all at the same time, it's even more exciting.

Meghan called it the "love explosion" and that's exactly what it was. You couldn't walk into a room without a hug, a nudge, a wink, giggles, the sound of laughter, crying babies, whispers behind the sofa.

The tables were never clear....someone was always eating. It seemed we cleaned the kitchen and got ready for the next meal or for the "to go" meals. I loved it!!! Traveling anywhere was a theaterical performance. Everyone had a place and had to be in their place to start the engines! We celebrated a wedding, a birthday and an anniversary during their visit. I hope that the week was enjoyed by all. We certainly have taken it to heart and memory. Please come again....We miss you terribly

Stay alert, aware, anticipate, prepare but do not be afraid

My sister, Mary and I were able to get out of the house early this morning and visit with mom for a little while. When we arrived we found her in her wheelchair up against her bathroom sink looking at herself in the mirror and crying. I called to her and she didn't recognize me. "?Quien eres?" This was the first time I can recall that she did not recognize who I was. I reminded her it was me and she cried some more and apologized for not remembering.

We quickly tried to get her out of this mood and wheeled her out to the visiting area....nice TV rec room where other patients were "watching" the Olympics.

We talked for a while and teased, as she often does, until she got tired, snapped at us and told us that she didn't like what we were saying!! She decided she needed to take a nap. Basically she was dismissing us and got in a snippy mood...we wheeled her towards her room but the nurses told us she needed to stay by their desks and unless we were going to be in the room with her she was not to be left alone. Mom was done, so we took some pictures, entertained her for a few more minutes trying to get her out of her foul mood before she was taken into therapy. If we leave her while she is in a bad mood, she will brood about it all day and will remember only that. Not that we had a good talk or that we read to her or played with her or showed her pictures of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. (BTW--I show her pictures of the kids everyday and she tries to remember their names) Today, she looked lovely all dressed in her nice pink sweater and wearing jeans. Mary & I came home and got to work filling out some papers to be sent to the Bexar County Dispute Resolutions Center. Tony suggested that we let it rest because we do have visitation rights at the moment. Our fear is that she will again be taken out of the Rehab Center and we will not be told about it and there we sit again not being able to see her.

We also called a Family Law practitioner to seek legal advise on this. Our thinking is "do we seek partial guardianship?" Note from Sibling Rights of an Adult Guardianship• "If one sibling takes guardianship of the elderly or incapacitated parent or sibling, then other siblings do not have visitation rights, unless specifically stated in the guardianship agreement. The guardian can determine what is best for the elderly family member. This situation can lead to conflicts between family members and should be discussed prior to seeking guardianship." Michael doesn't have to tell us that he is acquiring guardianship....so basically he can do this without our knowledge and we won't have the rights to fight it or appeal it. Stuck between a boulder and a hard place!! ONE GOOD NOTE: I went to dinner with a bunch of wonderful women last night...our Whispers group. We hadn't met in 4 years! Wow, had it been that long. We are a "bible study" group, more social than study, yet we hold each other in prayer always. Many of us have been on retreats together and still gather with each other in other studies but it was nice to have this Whispers group together again. PLAN: maybe to restart the group again beginning in September twice a month. Re-open a book we read before to reaquaint us with it & each other....things have changed in the last 4 years and our perspectives as they were then have also changed....In the last four years, we've been blessed with 7 grandchildren!!!! So, yes, it's time for a new look with some old friends! I'm very excited to do this. I must close....I have to finish getting this house in order for next week, CANNOT WAIT!!! :)

Another visit!!

 Mom with her therapist and with me visiting in the hall way of Regent Care Rehab Center.

Listening to music of the 60's-70'sAnother visit yesterday!!  I spent two hours with mom yesterday...we went to occupational therapy, her therapist Diana Chacon was wonderful.  She was patient with mom, encouraging and in more ways than one told me that mom had been there for 3 weeks, she understood the "hermano" situation.  I helped mom, in going to the bathroom, eating from her "magic cup" (a pudding of sorts), taking her to music.  I enjoyed watching her in the music room, her legs were moving and she was "dancing" to the 60's - 70's.  Several nurses came up to her and told her they liked seeing her smile.  She introduced me several times .....  "this is my daughter"  I was glad to have spent that time.....Going again today!

Research and Visit

              I made up my mind not to remain in the side lines and be bullied into thinking that I cannot visit my mom.  So the research began when I called the Dispute Resolutions Center on Monday, July 30, 2012 and spoke to Josie.  She gave me advice to document everything that has been going on with the lack of communication with  my brother concerning mom.  She also gave me numbers to call and websites to visit concerning rights of elder care and lawyers specializing in elder care.  I hate that it has come to this!  I also called AT&T requesting my texts' conversations (if you call them that) be printed with dates, names and times.  They said that would not be possible but that I should email them to myself and document the times/dates and who they were from.  So my documentation began several months ago with this blog.....since no one but me reads it, I figured it would be okay....I also emailed all the texts and put them into a word document with names, dates, times, etc.  Next I checked into the difference between Power of Attorney and a Guardianship, how each is obtained and the differences in  powers and usage.  Next I checked into Sibling Rights of an Adult Guardianship--Legal Agreements and Visitation Rights.  All very informative!!
              I attended a funeral service this morning for one of my new "friends".....Dora Rodriguez....member of my once a month breakfast club I joined at Aunt Jo's invitation two years ago.  I have grown very fond of the ladies that attend even though they are 20 years my senior  They are what I would love to become  as I grow older!   At her Funeral Mass I heard once again Psalm 23 song lyrics that I heard on Sunday, July 22

Shepherd me, O God beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.
God is my shepherd, so nothing shall I want,
I rest in the meadows of faithfulness and love,
I walk by the quiet waters of peace.

Gently you raise me and heal my weary soul,
You lead me by pathways of righteousness and truth,
my spirit shall sing the music of your Name.

You have set me a banquet of love
in the face of hatred,
crowning me with love beyond my pow’r to hold.

Surely your kindness and mercy follow me
all the days of my life;
I will dwell in the house of my God forevermore.


Shepherd me, O God beyond my wants,
beyond my fears, from death into life.


AND so with renewed awareness of what needed to be done, (after the funeral) I picked up my sister and we went to visit mom at the Rehab Center where we aren't supposed  to know that she is.  We wanted to talk to the Social Services counselor, Jack, but he wouldn't even address any questions concerning mom.  We emphatically insisted that we talk to an administrator and so he led us to her office.  With bold courage we stated our wants and needs to Mrs. Betty Renker, LNFA.  She insisted that she could not discuss any matters concerning mom with us and we had to take it up with our brother.  I asked if his power of attorney covered the authorization to keep us from visiting mom.  She shrugged and told us to discuss it with him.  I asked her if she had even read the document and she said "No".   So I asked for a copy so I could read it or if she would please read it to check on the verbage of the document preventing us from visiting.  She came back and said there was nothing in the document that prevented us from seeing her.  With that we asked that she not tell Michael that we had been there, but unfortunately the phone call had already been made.  My temper ALMOST got the best of me but I held me tongue and kept my cool.  I told her that we had not even approached mom yet we had just asked to visit with her, the administrator.  I do believe she regretted the phone call and saw that we were not there to cause trouble or bring her into any "family issues".  We simply were there to see/visit with mom.  Unfortunately she will tell Michael and it will be "placed on record" that we were there.  BUT with the awareness that there is nothing in the documents that prove that he has authority to keep us from mom, she said we could come anytime.  BUT for how long before he removes her again from their care.   

           We had a  lovely visit with mom......she broke down and cried when she saw us and then recouped.  We talked and laughed.....I showed her pictures of Anthony and Julian (she hadn't seen her two newest great grandsons). We talked about Sarah moving back to SA and then after 20 minutes the visit had to end.  We told her we had to leave and she said she could not cry because Michael would be mad and get upset.  I told her not to be upset and that we would come back to see her.  The nurses saw her in a good mood which is a help to us since one of the excuses he uses is that we upset her whenever we see her. 
      It was a good visit and I'm glad we had the boldness of Christ surrounding us.

Ps 138:3  When I cried to You, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.

Pro 3:26 The Lord will be your (strong) confidence and will not allow your foot to be caught.